Suzy Adra’s Blog

Eve of Silence

This Eve …

Around this time last year  I did all I can to run away from my feelings. Yes, I resort to such patterns as well.  I wanted to disappear,  and not feel what I was going through.

As if by leaving the space I am in, the feelings will stay behind and I would not have to feel them.  I was in disbelief that this breakup thing was happening to me yet again.   I decided to drive thirteen hours to see a friend I had not seen in over twenty years. While that was a gift in so many ways, the running away was not. The feelings I was trying to escape drove thirteen hours with me.

I have had two years now to process the resolution of this fated relationship.  A person I opened up to and let into my heart, my home, and my soul, suddenly walked out of my life as quickly as he had walked in. I know I am not alone and  many can identify with this feeling.  As difficult as this was, I finally found closure in the course of this year. The gift of 2018 to me.  A closure that I have had to source from deep within my soul.

How did I find closure?  I spent a lot of time in solitude, and naturally in silence.

The more silent and alone I was, the more I was able to see things I had not seen before.  I saw my shadow so clearly, I saw his shadow as clearly.  I understood my role and the part I played in the outcome, and I understood his role as well.

I am not writing this post as a lament or to play victim. On the contrary, I wanted to say that if I did this, anyone can! I share this incase any of my readers are going through something similar, I highly recommend solitary confinement. Ha!

Jokes aside, really I recommend spending a lot of time alone. I mean really alone.  I am actually planning a silent solo- at home retreat for myself this New Year’s Eve.    Incase you wanted to try this with me here is an idea of what my day will look like.

I will be avoiding human interaction of any kind, and sitting in meditation for most of the day and evening.  I may end the silence towards late evening and get together with a friend, and I may not. If not, I will sleep while still in silence. I am just going to flow and see how my day turns out while holding the intention of silence.

…the Silence

As soon as I arise on December 31, 2018,  I will meditate and do a few simple stretches. Nothing too intense, just enough  to get the blood flowing.  I will have a simple breakfast of kitchari ( I have come across many recipes over the years and my favorite remains the one by Doctor Blossom) and proceed to meditate until I feel I have digested my food.  Next I will do a full yoga class that lasts at least an hour long. I will include a variety of poses and make sure I have toned and stretched  my major muscles.  This I shall follow with more meditation and perhaps a cup or two of tea.  I will play and chant mantras for the remainder of the day and use some of this time to prepare food, organize, clean or paint.  Anything that does not require me to use my brain.  Lunch will be kitchari followed by more meditation.  Just before dinner I will do a full body abyangha (self-oil massage).  Each person can use the oil best suited for their dosha. If you are not sure what your dosha is, check out this quiz from Banyan Botanicals. After the oil massage, I will most likely stretch a bit more depending on what my body needs.  It could be 15 minutes to half an hour.  I shall have kitchari for dinner. After dinner I will meditate, reflect, and write in my journal and set intentions for 2019.

This can be done for several days, not just one day. One can also disperse such days throughout the entire year.

The benefits you ask?

Aside from extreme presence, multiple insights, and stress release your New Year’s Eve party will have more color, flavor and texture~ guaranteed!

May we all  reap what we sow this coming year!!!

Death to Taboo

I have been toying with the idea of a post about death for several years now.  I wrote one earlier this year and never posted it.  It ended up being a personal revelation I had which I do not wish to publicly write about at this time. However, I am sure you will hear a thing or two about it if you were ever to go on retreat with me.
Death is all around us whether we choose to see it or not. We can turn a blind eye to it, or embrace it just as we embrace birth.
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Fear of Annihilation

So many of us , in-fact the majority, grew up fearing death and dying.
What if we took a few steps back and looked at it from a different perspective? What if we approached it in a different way?

We spend our life trying to preserve ourself staying healthy, fit, doing check ups. Some of us may manage to live for decades and others may not be as lucky, or so we think. No matter what we do no one has managed to stay alive eternally.  Isn’t this telling?  Isn’t this a phenomenon worth noting?

We begin to die the moment we are born.  In other words, there is no birth without death.  There is something in us that we shed and something new emerges in its place. Death is a renewal. Even the cells in our body and all our organs renew completely every seven years. We are never the same person from moment to moment as even our psyche is constantly shifting and changing, constantly in flux.

What is this fear really about ? I have been asking myself this question for sometime now and I believe I finally have some sort of an answer.

It is the fear of the unknown. That is it.  Combined with the ego, she, the ego, does not like to be ‘nothing’. Our ego fears annihilation. So if we manage to transcend the ego before we die, we have conquered death.  Imagine that?!  Isn’t that what mysticism is all about?

 

What an Idea: A Death Manual?

If someone handed us a manual that listed the steps of what will happen after we die, most likely some if not all this fear may dissolve. If you knew exactly what to expect, wouldn’t that put you at ease?
I personally would appreciate that very much. We have to learn to be okay with not knowing. The sad truth is we aren’t. We want to know now.  In an age where google, and SIRI have all the answers, perhaps they can help us out on this a bit? Ha!
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The Pain

I mean yes of course there is pain. I am not bypassing this whatsoever,  and yes there is an aspect of sadness and grief for the loss of our loved ones.  I am not proposing we do not feel the pain.  I am proposing we change the story from a fear based myth to a more integral wisdom.
We don’t know anything until we experience it, it may serve us well to understand at a very early age that there are some things that remain  mysterious in life, no matter how much we want answers to them. It is the mystery that makes life such a magical place.

Taboos Must Die

When I was a little girl I was told that if I’m good, when I die my grave will expand and I’d be in the company of angels until judgment day,  and if I’m bad I will burn over and over for all eternity. What a story to tell a child. Right ? Even if there was truth to it, why does a child need to hear this? This is fear mongering. Every which way we turn we are fed some taboo story that does not serve our development, growth and evolution. It is high time we change these stories into more honest, truthful stories steeped with integrity and wisdom. Yes we need wisdom not superstition. I see an overlap with the stories we tell our children about sex. How can we expect not to have sex addicts, juvenile sex offenders, rapists and abusers in our world when we keep feeding them such lies? Why not tell them the truth?

It is time we re-write these taboos that have not served us for millennia. I sure have taken it upon myself to do just that. I am doing my share with my soon to be completed book on sex.  My focus is mainly sex as in the actual act. I have witnessed two extremes in two different cultures,  and I am looking for the balance.

Where can we find the balance with the stories about death and dying? Where can we help ease the pain of the beloveds left behind? What can we do to make such transitions simpler so that the grief can be experienced without the need to push it away? How can we be at peace with the way things are?

Celebrate the Gift of Life

My grandmother always said when her time comes she does not want anyone mourning her passing. Absolutely no one is allowed to wear black, instead she wanted us to wear white.  She wanted us to celebrate. As a child it was not difficult for me to understand what she was saying. Her words resonated with me on some level and yet I could not quite understand it as I heard two conflicting stories. Today I feel like I know what my grandmother was saying, at the end of life, celebrate that you had the chance to live. Celebrate the fullness of your experience rather than mourn the loss of it.
What a gift it is  to be able to be live even for one day.
What a gift to die to our ego.
What a gift to die to the things we do not want in our life.
What a gift it is to be given chance after chance at being alive.
What a gift it is to be recycled for some grand purpose or to become a tree or a rock.

As I write these last few words on this page, part of me cannot help but wonder about Jesus’s resurrection, a metaphor for the life of every single human being alive today.

Know Thy Self

Coming Out

I am a bit late for national coming out day, well I suppose it is never too late. I have to share something about me that maybe a surprise to most: I am Heyoka. (Pronounced: hey-o-ka).

It finally makes sense. I am an empath. One of the most powerful of my kind.  I cannot believe that it took me a lifetime to realize this.

You see when I was young, I would find myself getting really sad and emotional to the point of hiding in a corner when attending events. I would sit there and ball my eyes out. This always left me wondering how come I was so happy to be going to this wonderful event and suddenly getting so sad and emotional over nothing that I can really identify. I never could explain this mystery up until recently.  It has been a few years now that I have known I am intuitive and empathic.  I finally allowed myself to really know myself and the the knowing hit me suddenly and my entire life made sense in that one moment of clarity.  All those emotionally charged moments of my life didn’t seem so bizarre anymore.

I recall one of my teachers writing in my grade book in elementary school: seems to cry for no real reason. Looking back, I am sure I was sensing into someone else’s pain. There was a very valid reason, and perhaps many reasons. No one cries for no reason! It never occurred to me that others cannot feel as I did. I thought that part of being human meant you felt so deeply.

These sensitivities seem to have become magnified as I have acknowledged them, which is really helpful when I am in a Metaphysical Anatomy Technique session and trying to assist someone who is completely oblivious to their pain. I can read into what is not being said. I recently attended a talk by Thomas Hübl in which he said that as therapists and healers we must find the hidden pain that is not spoken. Well, I have great news, I have been doing that all my life!

Unquestionable traits

The funny thing about being an empath is that I do not choose who I am going to intuit. It just happens. I pick up on the emotional body mostly, and sometimes physical pain as well. I can even tell when my cats are hungry.

How I know without a shadow of a doubt that I am an empath:

I have been labeled as “too emotional” or overly sensitive.

I feel people’s feelings.

I am emotionally drained by crowds.

I cannot function without alone time.

Perfumes and chemicals are harsh on my system.

World news kills me.

I may come across as cold and distant.

I easily become an emotional dumping ground.

The sun, and cold can really damage my skin.

It used to be difficult to know which emotions are mine and which are not, however, over the years I have learned to tell the difference. So please think twice before telling me “this is your stuff” it absolutely is not. Most of the time, in large groups, I am acting as a mirror. Sometimes while completely oblivious to it myself.

The Curse of a Gift

I have been given the gift (or curse) of sensing the motivations, and intentions of others. I can read and feel emotions on an energetic level. I also sense physical pain. This is a gift because it helps me with trauma release sessions, however when I do not wish to feel, and I am on break is when it is a curse infringing on my sacred alone time.

They say being an empath is a double edged sword. On the one hand, it is what helps me know what a group needs in a yoga class, it allows me to feel the needs of my children and loved one’s. It allows me to be gentle with those who cross my path, because of an inner knowing of their struggles. On the other hand, if I forget to protect myself, my emotions will become turbulent, I can become depressed for days and sometimes months and begin to isolate myself. The world can get very dark very fast.

Boundaries

My system is like a sponge. I literally take on energies and emotions that if I had the choice to not take on, I would seriously not. As an empath it is important I set boundaries, say no when I mean no and yes when I mean yes. There is no grey area when it comes to that. I had to learn this lesson the hard way. It really took me a long time to understand this about myself. This is why we do inner work. To find ourselves and know ourselves like no other person can. The more I know myself, the more I love myself. Not in a narcissistic kind of way, just in an awestruck, humble, yummy deep I love you Suzy sort of way.

Sacred Clown

I have been reading everything I can get my hands on about heyoka also known as a sacred clown, or trickster. I find tremendous solace in words like these. I have always been overly sensitive to the misuse of power, and since our world is replete with it, you can understand why I may look miserable on most days. This quote says it all:

The main function of a sacred clown is to deflate the ego of power by reminding those in power of their own fallibility, while also reminding those who are not in power that power has the potential to corrupt if not balanced with other forces, namely with humor – Gary Z. McGee

It is not about me

I am saddened by the fact that hunger, slavery, and wars still exist in the 21st century. These things weigh heavily on my heart if I allow myself to dwell on them. I have to find the balance between feeling too much and too little.

So yes, please, this is not about me, especially not at this time in my life. I have always felt the pain of the world and felt helpless at trying to alleviate it. I realize I was made to be of service just please try not to trample on my giving heart.
When you find me doing things contrary to social expectations and norms, I am actually trying to show you something you may not see otherwise.

We all are empathic and intuitive to some degree. Whatever degree it is, we are born with it. It is not a skill that we acquire. It is something present in our DNA. Here’s how you can find out how much of an empath you are: http://www.empathtest.com
Can you guess what I scored?

Darkness She Speaks

Zombie Skull by Flyland Designs

God/dess is light is something I learned as a child. Later on in life, I was able to scientifically comprehend this:  that the world is made of energy and this energy is light. It became a concrete teaching as now I had tangible scientific proof. In turn this helped me understand what is meant by the word ‘consciousness’.

Recently, I made an extra leap  of consciousness ( ha ha see what I did there?). I was able to understand deeply how God/dess is not only light; that God/dess is both light and dark just as God/dess is both masculine and feminine.

It is because of my darkest days, and there have been more than I care to share here. The darkness is unavoidable. The universe cannot exist without it. Light and dark are both holy.

In the manifest world of physical objects , of which humans happen to be a part of, the light has to cast a shadow. As an artist I look intently for such areas as I draw or paint. Sometimes for months. As an artist I also look for them in humanity. It’s become second nature to me. I used to be afraid of the darkness as I was taught to treat it like a stranger. It has finally become a friend.

These days when darkness shows up, I invite her in like a hospitable Lebanese, make some Turkish coffee and offer her more sweets than she can possibly eat. I then proceed to have a conversation about the reasons for such an untimely visit, how inconvenient this is, how it’s destroying my life, my future, my being. As we converse Darkness says
“ I know I was not invited however it was a matter of great urgency because it is time for you to grow your soul. The pain will boil, fry and grill you until there is nothing left to feel. That is when you begin again.”

 

Dancing with the God/dess in the Earth

THE DANCE

Sometimes, something magical happens when I dance.  A wave of energy begins to flow through me as I surrender to it.  I have no control over my body.  My movements are not my own. Spirit moves me. My feet are connected to the earth, my body moving to a mysterious rhythm.  It reminds me of when I paint and energy flows through my arm into the brush making spontaneous marks on the canvas. The difference is, in this case, my entire body is moving as if the ground is the canvas.This energy that is so easy to lose our self to.  Is it from above or is it from below, from heaven or is it from hell, from the sky or is it from the earth?

THE QUESTION

A question that has intrigued philosophers, scientists, religious and spiritual leaders for centuries: where is God/dess? This question  has been on my mind since I was a very young girl.   Growing up I was told that there is heaven, and hell. That I better be good and do good so as not to go to hell.  I would imagine myself in my grave being tortured, and burnt over, and over for eternity,  and that would make me want to pray and do good.  It was out of fear of eternal damnation.

These days I just ask questions that have not been asked before.  What if consciousness, god/dess  emerged from the core of the earth? What if we return to the core of the earth when we die? Perhaps this consciousness we feel comes from within the earth as opposed to some etheric god form in the heavens?

I have spent so much time in airplanes lately, just watching the earth and its many varied landscapes. She is very much a living organism. Above the clouds, a very interesting thought came to me: Our physical body is made of earth no questions there.  When we die, our body becomes earth, and our spirit or that which animates our body ? Where does it go? Major religions of the world have a theory that it either goes to heaven or to hell…well, I want to ask: What if spirit/consciousness/soul…goes back to the core of the earth? What if the creator , our creator, consciousness, is inside the earth?

THE CONNECTION

When I dance, and connect my feet to the ground, it allows me to feel that my being, the reason I am alive and able to move, is because I am animated by her, the goddess in the earth.

I have spent most of the month of July camping. I feel like I commune with the earth when I lay so close to her.  She speaks to me through visions.  The last thing she gave me was: I am you- and yes a tiara too 🙂

I live each day making sure my connection to earth is alive. I like to visualize myself connected to her core through a cord that gets stronger with each passing day.

Your Eyes are the Boundaries of your Soul

I have noticed a growing trend in workshops within spiritual circles where individuals are encouraged to gaze into each other’s eyes.  You sit or stand across from someone you just met and gaze into their eyes. This is done for many minutes, and sometimes even hours. The goal is to realize our human connectedness ( unless I am missing something here).

I remain extremely skeptical about this practice. After participating in my fair share of such workshops this reflection needed to happen.

The great William Shakespeare once said : The eyes are the window to your soul. I believe he was spot on.  When we gaze into someone’s eyes we are connecting with their soul. There is no question about this.  I agree, this is a wonderful connection if the person infront of you is someone you wish to connect with on a soul  level.  However, what if you do not? Do you walk out? say no? not participate? Is there a space given for a ‘no’ from the facilitator?

So many nuances that are left unaddressed when running a workshop like this…it is a bit much, really, especially coming from someone talking about boundaries a few minutes before diving into this practice!

Wouldn’t it be wiser to connect on other levels and reserve the soul connection to those we truly want to keep close in our heart, and life?

I say there are MANY other ways to realize our interconnectedness, rather than merely gazing into a complete stranger’s eyes. I wrote an entire paper in 2010 on this subject (which I will have to locate and post sometime).

What I do recall is that I listed the ways in which we are able to realize how we are connected to one another… in our emotions, the way we experience happiness and sadness, fear , loss, betrayal; we are connected in birth, and death, sorrow, grief, joy, passion, we are connected in that we are all made of bones, skin and flesh, we are connected in that we all come from the same source and will return to that same place.  All these things do not require gazing into each other’s eyes to understand this truth.  What is required is listening, understanding, and communicating.  Yes, gazing into another persons eyes will deepen the sense of such a connection, if that is what we wish.

We walk into a workshop and connect with a dozen people or more, on a soul level when we haven’t even uttered a single word to them! How are we to “see” or “hear” their suffering, their success, their struggles, their joys and triumphs,  when we walk away and quickly forget their name? I do not mean to over generalize.  There is always that one exception to the rule.  I really cannot even name a handful of people I have connected to in such workshops.

I think there is so much confusion these days about what connection really is and that is why we are witnessing so much depression, isolation, and so many suicides . We are here in the flesh, so let’s learn to connect with our whole being, not just part of it?  People are feeling unheard, unseen and insignificant despite the level of success they have achieved in their life.  The reason is this superficiality that has now also leaked into something as sacred as looking into someone’s soul.  Eye gazing is a sacred matter.  One has to listen first and then see.

Let me ask you this- how many eyes have you gazed into this past year? How many of those eyes are you still in touch with until this day? Are they people you want in your life? Do they mean something to you? It is okay to be honest with yourself. There is power to honesty as there is power to understanding that we get to choose who we want to connect with spiritually.

I believe in our interconnection and at the same time, I do not wish to bring every single person that crosses my path into my soul! I believe in guarding my soul. My soul is my inner kingdom and as Ajame says: Let no one enter your inner kingdom unless they come with Love. I grew up in a culture where the importance of diverting one’s gaze was of utmost importance, especially when it comes to the two genders.  The Quran reads:

“Tell the believing men that they should reduce/lower their gaze/vision and guard their private parts…” – Sura: 24, Aya: 30

I have obviously not taken  this literally, it means to have modesty and integrity when interacting with each other.  Lately I have been really reflecting on this Aya.  My conclusion is to protect my soul, I must take this literally and not metaphorically.

Your eyes are the boundaries of  your soul.

Big Egos

A big ego. It is so common in spiritual circles, so much more than anywhere else.  I keep seeing it in individuals that have supposedly been doing self-work for many years and are leaders in their fields, guiding others to healing and transformation. Several spiritual teachers have actually been recently called out on this.  Let’s not name any names.  Why is this phenomenon so prevalent in the spiritual world?

I believe that the answer is there is trauma there that has not been resolved.  Childhood wounds that require a deeper investigation, and release.

I used to think that if you are on the spiritual path you are surely a self-actualized individual. You have worked on yourself to the point where your entire existence is in service to humanity, instead of humanity being in service to you. Being a spiritual practitioner and seeker does not magically delete your big ego.

I understand that there is a healthy ego.  Healthy ego is loving yourself with all your flaws. Actually recognizing, and accepting that one has flaws is where it begins.  It usually takes a person a lifetime to establish such a sense of self.  I know because I have only just begun to do so, and I am close to fifty.

A big ego is so different than a healthy sense of self-esteem.

A big ego is camouflage for insecurity, lack of self- love,  and confidence.

You can’t be so self-absorbed and consider yourself enlightened.

Having anger issues just means you still have some more work to do.  Usually childhood wounding is the culprit with anger.  Anger is hiding deeper suppressed emotions. Finding a trauma release practitioner will help you address such hidden emotions.

Lashing out at people for being who they are is not a sign of mastery.

There are gentle ways of communication and angry ways of communication.

Pretending to be something you are not will always come back to haunt you.

People are not for you to use. People are there for you to learn from and work with.

Your perspective on a subject is not the end all of perspectives.

You, after all are human and share in the qualities of being human: human means prone to error.

No one is exempt.  I apologize if that seems harsh, it is reality.

Big ego means narcissism.  A narcissist is a wounded individual who thinks the world revolves around them.

Its nice to have a healthy sense of self and be grounded in your own being.  However, when that is blown up so much that all you see is yourself as a hero among heroes, you most likely have some more work to do.

Questions you can ask about where you are in your quest for a healthy sense of self:

Are you genuinely interested in others? Do you accept other people’s beliefs and opinions? Are you easily offended? Do you often feel superior to others?  Can you put your-self in other people’s shoes? How are your communication skills?  Do you avoid topics because they make you uncomfortable? Do you talk about topics that you feel you know best? Are you open minded? Can you accept being wrong? Are you okay with making mistakes? Do you say what you really feel, and think or are you prone to avoid or beat around the bush?

Extra credit for being extra honest with yourself  :0)