In April 2017, I had a lucid dream, surely not the first time I have one of those. It was the first time I had journeyed into my womb. I was on a silent retreat with Aisha Salem in the Valencia area in Spain. This dream felt like real life and as I went around I was awestruck. I was walking about in this luminous and yet dark cave, which was my uterus, and really carefully trying to understand every cell of it. It seemed like I was looking at and admiring every ovule that my body had ever made. I was counting the ovules one by one, like precious gems that I needed to understand their dimensions, roundedness, size, and health.
When I awakened I wrote the dream down in my dream journal in hopes of greater insights as to what this dream was telling me. I wondered if it was about the retreat I had led in Costa Rica at Philia Center in January of that same year, as the retreat was titled “Womb Healing”. I really could not understand this dream , aside from the fact that my womb is such a precious part of me. To behold it from the inside was way beyond fantastical. The timing was strange and yet here it was me walking around in my uterus inspecting my ovules. Soon after I returned home I painted the painting which I titled Womb Awakening, featured below in this blog.
In this dream where I visit my uterus, it seemed that it was my unconscious thanking my womb for all the creations it had bestowed upon me, the two beautiful beings who are my children and all the millions of ovules that had such potential. It is okay that these ovules never made it to human form. It is enough that my uterus was actually able to produce them. What miracles. What mysteries. Thanking it for being so fertile, healthy and giving. For standing strong in the face of many storms. For forgiving me for all the times when I forgot my no was sacred. For gifting me so much creative energy to combine with my wild imaginings. For understanding that sometimes I had other priorities and responsibilities than to care for her. She has been the nourisher of my dreams. She has helped me manifest this life.
This is my 50thyear and despite this, she keeps offering me precious gifts. The gift of feeling and knowing. I can feel my ovaries turning around, returning to their origin. I feel when I will be bleeding and when I will not. I am in tune with my body so much so that I can sense the slightest shift. I have also been experiencing insane physical pain in my abdomen that has not received any medical diagnosis. When the pain hits, it feels as if my sides have flaming hot coals in them.
Every test I have done so far has returned negative. Is it because I am that sensitive that I can literally feel this menopause thing as it takes over my body? Is this a past life karma? an archetypal karma? No one ever prepares us for this. I surely was never prepared for it. I have heard about it and never realized that it will arrive one day in this way, and this quickly. Could it be that I am feeling on behalf of those who cannot feel it? Regardless, the intensity has been real for an entire year now.
I have to let you know my dear sisters, it is one of the most mystical experiences you will ever have. It is sacred time. Whatever you do, do not disown it, fight it or ignore it. Be in communion with this season of your life, dedicate your self to understanding it for that is how it will gift you several wisdoms.
Have you heard of andropause?
I have an intuition this goes for men too. I am sure they experience such growing pains as they approach the prime years of their life. This makes me feel so much compassion as most men have no way of expressing or addressing this let alone dealing with it. They can’t walk into the doctor’s office and say please help my hormones are helter skelter! So, yes it actually happens and it is called andropause. Now can someone please explain to me why we only hear of menopause and not andropause? I mean seriously, what misogyny is this? What discrimination, and racism!
Menopause or andropause are not the end of the road as society would have us think. In my experience so far, it actually is a literal re-birth. It is not easy I have to admit, there are physical symptoms that accompany it that are different for each one of us. There are days where I literally feel like I am dying. Society would have us believe that when we reach this stage we no longer desire physical intimacy, that our life is over and we might as well be dead. Some of us will go to great lengths in the hopes of preserving our youth. There is nothing that can preserve it. The harder you try, the more difficult it gets.
Energy is Energy
What if you just let it be? Let it happen? What would it be like to relinquish control and let nature take its course?
It helps to recall the words of Albert Einstein: energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another. Each form has its blessings and gifts to bestow upon us if we learn to harvest them. Instead of lamenting the loss of something, we can rejoice in the birth of what is new.
I am still in the throes of it believe me, and there are days where I have to drag myself out of bed. As a result, of this learning adventure, I have decided to concoct a retreat for women of all ages to learn ways to support and nourish around this season of life.
This retreat will take place in September of 2019 at Rocca Massima. Since this has to do with our creative power, the sacral chakra, svadhisthana, which is also the sexual center you bet I have some juicy creativity stuff up my sleeve. From tips to relieve symptoms without a single hormonal patch, harnessing your creative energy, what to eat, when to eat, treating injuries, and being your own best healer, to planning your new chapter in life. Look for more details as we get closer to September on the FB page under Journey Into the Womb.
Wishing you many seasons of beauty.